Well, here I am again. If you can't tell from my lack of posting . . . I'm not very good at blogging. However, based on our life changes recently I've been encouraged multiple times to stretch myself and begin again. So, here I am.
First, let's get a little update on where we are right now.
Karl is still working with Pason and loving it. It isn't perfect, very few jobs are, but it would be a lie if we didn't share how blessed we have been through the company. There have been obstacles but we have been adjusting well now with my new career.
Yep, it is true. I no longer work for TLCA. It was one of the most difficult decisions we've had to make but we know it is what is best for us in this next chapter of our life. Leaving the classroom has allowed me to begin a new career which I am very excited about. I am now learning and teaching natural health and wellness to families so that they can take control of their health. It has been very rewarding and we've been both blessed and stretched in this endeavor and are excited as to what this will do for our family and the families we come into contact with through it. Oh and did I mention our other job is getting pregnant?
Stress. Teaching comes with its fair amount of stress quite naturally. My natural tendency, which also has its good moments, is to be stressed. Not a good mix for my overall health. Hence my leaving. This is just one of the changes we have made in order to increase our chances of getting pregnant naturally.
Karl and I have been trying to conceive for 3 years now. It has been a roller coaster of a ride, one that we have not yet finished, but we have definitely learned a lot.
When Karl and I first talked about getting married, we talked on and on about having a large family. We both have felt the calling to be a home of peace and consistency to many. However, we knew going into marriage that we needed to take time to get to know one another and build a foundation to build upon later - little did we know what that would look like. We decided we would wait five years to start a family and we were happy with that. Karl proposed. I started birth control. We got married. Everything was going perfect to our plan.
Fast forward two years. Over $72,000 in debt from student loans and credit cards and we decide "forget waiting 5 years, let's start trying now". All of our friends were starting families, younger siblings of our friends were starting families, you know, EVERYONE, so were we. So I got off the pill. And . . . Wish I could say we joined the club of preggos but sadly, we did not.
Now, I want to be as transparent with our struggle as I can be. We have decided from the very beginning that we hope our struggle can help others. So . . .
Right off the pill and, guess what, no cycle. None. Nada. Zip. This went on for many months. No period, no ovulation, no pregnancy. (Now I realize this is not necessarily true for everyone - people have gotten pregnant without having a cycle.) This went on for months. I just knew it would come back.
Finally we had enough and went to my doctor to find answers. She prescribed some synthetic hormones to "jump start" my cycle. I was reassured that it should work with no problem. So we began. I got my cycle back!!! Next month - cycle still there just with less flow. Third month - gone. My doctor said this could happen and encouraged us to do the pills again. The same thing happened. Three months, no continual cycle. One more bout of the pills - same thing. Her diagnosis: I was overweight and needed to drop some pounds if I ever wanted to get pregnant. That's all.
I left her office so down and frustrated. Overweight??? I had known of women getting pregnant much heavier than me, many sitting in her waiting room, and I'm too overweight to conceive!!!! Anger, frustration, disappointment, resentment, fear ... so many emotions were raging through me. I'm broken.
Now, having done the research and continuing to do research has shown me that I am indeed not broken but worthy to be fixed - and I can be.
So, after this bout with our doctor we decided to take a break from it all. Meanwhile, my mom had started using essential oils. She'd tell me about them and I'd encourage her in what she was telling me but I didn't believe her. Such a weird thing. I mean, come on, who uses essential oils? (Oh you know, the people of the bible for one . . .)
She bought me a kit and it set on our counter for . . . a while. Shed check in with me periodically and I still wasn't interested. After many conversations and nagging I finally started using them. Be grudgingly but they were used. Mom knew about our struggles and sent me another oil: ClaryCalm (named Solace at the time). She shared with me how to use it and ... I didn't. Yep, it just set on our counter, too. Finally, in a moment of weakness I used it. I put it on my abdomen, over my ovaries and on my ankle, the supposed reflex point for my ovaries. The next morning - Aunt Flow arrived. Do what?!?!? What is this voodoo?? It was a light cycle but it was all mine. I relished in it. I wasn't broken.
From that moment on I've changed many things about my life in an effort to get pregnant. My cycle was back, not perfect but I was cycling. Fast forward 2 years to winter of 2013. Everything is looking good but my doctor is unsure if I'm ovulating and suggested clomid. Since my frustration with birth control I was very leary to put more hormones into my system to "tell" my body what to do. We declined.
December arrives and we take a trip to Michigan to visit my dad for Christmas. On the trip home, I began feeling sick. I was pregnant, I juat knew it! I had morning sickness like crazy, kept having this metal taste in my mouth, among many other things. I kept testing and testing but I never got a positive - I was not pregnant. All the emotions returned - I'm broken, not worthy, etc.
Shortly after I began cycling again and it wouldn't stop. After two months of constant bleeding I scheduled an appt with my doctor. And of course as soon as she saw me I stopped. She told me it probably wasn't anything. I shared with her my concern that since I hadn't had a cycle for so long in the past that I felt that my lining was too thick. She shook it off and said that it wasn't possible since I had cycles since then but agreed that we needed more information for the prolonged bleeding. We scheduled a song 2 months out - nothing like the waiting game.
At the beginning of April I got a call that scared me and stopped me in my tracks - my grandmother was sick and there was a chance that she wouldn't make it. I knew that I wasn't returning the following year so I took a week off and flew up there with my mom after her surgery. If you didn't know, my grandma is a fighter and she is strong. I've always been in awe of her spunk and love of life - she lives it to the fullest every day. During my week with her, all the feelings from December returned - I just knew I was pregnant again. But, yet again, test after test proved negative. It was getting more personal now. Mortality began setting in. Will my grandmother ever be able to meet her great grandchild?? Once again - hopeless.
I cried, and cried, and cried. Every pregnancy announcement that followed filled me with even more anger and resentment.
I returned to Texas not the same. Shaken, without hope, broken. A few days after returning I had my sono. Even the routine questions she asked hurt, cutting like knifes, "Are you pregnant?" "Have you been pregnant before?" No, no, no. Thanks for the reminder. I'm broken, remember?
The results came back and, sure enough my lining was too thick and I had a cyst on my ovary 3 cm in size. She prescribed some progesterone for me and told me I had to take it for 28 days, which just happened to fall within my last month of teaching. Lovely.
Let me just tell you, the pain I experienced those 28 days I would not wish upon ANYBODY!!! Absolutely horrible. And when I called to make sure something wasn't wrong my nurse was less than helpful. "Just keep taking your ibuprofen." No thank you, I'll use my ClaryCalm. Oh how I love that stuff. By the grace of God I made it through, finished my last month of school, including packing and moving my classroom, and left on a 8 day cruise (free, by the way), leaving everything behind. It was just what the doctor ordered, as the saying goes.
We returned from the cruise new people. A few days after the cruise I had my follow up appointment. My lining was clear and no cyst - everything looked perfect. Meanwhile a friend of mine shared with me a book entitled "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". I never realized how intricate the female cycle was or how much I didn't know about it. If you don't know, get educated!!!!
I began charting my cycle. It was and has been a wonderful experience. My first chart was beautiful and - I OVULATED!!!!! Shout it from the rooftops, I OVULATED!!! And of course it took an act of Congress for us to be able to get together when I did. Lol!!! My temperature rose for 10 days then dropped, beginning my cycle. No pregnancy. However, I OVULATED!!!!
I began the month of July with a renewed hope.
I began charting again and guess what? I'm not ovulating. No spikes, no mucus, nothing. We're beginning to think that only one of my ovaries is "firing" if you will. So here's to August. :)
Wow, that was quite lengthy but now you are up to date with our lives. It's probably more than you wanted to know but it's out there just the same. There's definitely more to report but I'll give you a break and save that for another post. Peace!
Praying for you guys!
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