Why do we call it that? The Waiting GAME
Games are supposed to be full of fun and fellowship. They are enjoyable and something that we look forward to, especially with the right company.
Waiting is not something we look forward to. In fact it makes us anxious and can drive us crazy. It is typically not a joyous time.
At least that has been my experience.
I know with the Lord's help that even in the most deplorable times of wait one can find joy, but, being real for a sec - I haven't been there.
Everyone is waiting for something - graduation, spouse, job, children, winning the lottery . . . We all have our own waiting game.
Throughout my life there have been many yearnings that I had to wait for and each season had it's ups and downs.
We are all waiting.
The season I want to share about has been one of the hardest for myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I hope that by sharing it that others will be able to find joy in their waiting and/or find the help that they desperately need and deserve.
Let's go back in time . . .
8 years to be exact.
I was attending College at Howard Payne University in good 'ole Brownwood, TX. Just finished my junior year of Elementary Education classes and finally had the boyfriend that I had waited all my life for (another waiting game - sigh). I knew that he was the one and we loved to talk about our future together and what it would look like. We talked about family and even joked that we would love to have twins - another great adventure for us - and decided that after we got married we would wait at least 5 years before starting to have kids.
5 years would allow us plenty of time to get "used to marriage", get established, and have some fun before worrying about the stress of a family.
August came and he proposed then on to May when we wed. We both began our Masters Programs and were enjoying the married life, learning from each other and trying to figure out how to be real adults together.
Two years after getting married the bug finally bit.
The baby bug.
Being in teaching it sure doesn't help - seeing kids all day, especially ones who aren't provided for at home, knowing you'd do better - I had officially decided that I wanted one for my own. I honestly don't remember Karl's response to my sudden desire for a family, but l do know that we got off of birth control and eagerly awaited that positive test soon after our discussion.
That's how it works, right?
Looking back now, I totally see that the Lord had a different plan for us that was much better than anything we could have ever imagined.
We were in so much debt at the time, barely starting to get a grasp on our student loans. We had 2 young dogs that took up a lot of our time and were still trying to figure out our place in the workforce. We could have done it, but it would have been much harder for us.
The next 5 years that followed brought on many challenges
-finding out that the birth control had rocked my endocrine system to not fluctuate AT ALL
-being told I was TOO FAT for children and needed to drop some serious weight (don't even get me started)
-working so desperately hard to lose wait to only gain it back
-working with a doctor that told me I was a BURDEN to her and that she didn't want to work with me anymore (feeling was mutual)
-finding out that I have PCOS (hence why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off - now I know how my body works I am better able to do so)
-having surgery to see if there was more going on - hello Endometriosis
-DEPRESSION
I didn't realize it at the time, but all the years of frustration were wearing me down. I wasn't the fun, goofy gal I was in college and those first 2 years of marriage. I had slowly morphed into a sad being with no hope. My depression was real even if I didn't want to accept it. So real and dark.
And alone.
Looking back now I had all the support in the world - I just didn't want to reach out and allow myself to be supported like I could have. If you are in a similar season, PLEASE reach out. You are so worth it and there are those around you that will LOVE you through your season. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
I love this quote from Albus Dumbledore: "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." Allow others to be your light. Allow Christ to be your light. You don't deserve the darkness.
In November of 2015, Karl and I decided that fertility treatment was our next option after support from our new, wonderful OB. It was a very difficult decision for us - for the past 3 years we'd been sharing about natural healthcare and the ugliness of the pharmaceutical companies. And we had to eat our words. Big time.
We began with Clomid and an estrogen blocker (because of the PCOS) and 2 weeks later found out we didn't ovulate. Cue burst bubble. I just knew this was the answer and then it didn't work out.
December brought on a different drug - Premara - which in itself is an estrogen blocker. We began with the lowest dose and low and behold - we didn't ovulate . . . again.
January came and we doubled the dose of Premara and . . . WE OVULATED!!!! What?! Are you serious?!?! Oh wait, Karl has to be here . . . Forgot to mention that January was the month that Karl went to Oklahoma to train for his new job (did I forget to mention that Karl lost his amazing job last April and was on the hunt for 8 months????? - another stress to add to the mix). So, amidst jokes of turkey basters and flying me up to see him, we had another month of not being pregnant.
So close and yet so far.
The meds were wearing on me and my emotions. I was more depressed than ever - even during this time of hope. I was exhausted beyond words. A shell of my former self, just going through the motions.
Then the story began changing. His Will was being made known.
One day I had gone to Walmart after school to grab some groceries and ran into a fellow co-worker that I don't see very much - strike that - more like we never see each other. We said hey and went on our way.
The next morning, as I was coming in to the school, we ran into each other yet again. She stopped me and said that she felt the Lord had brought us together and asked if she could pray for me. As she prayed, the tears just poured from me and I began sobbing. I had tried to be so strong this whole time and finally broke.
When she finished, she grabbed me and hugged me and spoke such sweet encouragements to me. Things I knew to be true in my heart but were refusing to believe.
Then she looked at me and said that during the prayer the Lord was revealing to her that we would be pregnant soon and that it would be with twins.
Wait, WHAT?!?!
I was shocked and a little skeptical, if I'm being honest. We've had many others pray for us before and had similar blessings shared. But knowing this woman and her faith I definitely held on to her words of our upcoming pregnancy and tried to keep them close.
February arrived, same dose of Premara and Karl was home. All the ingredients ready to go. Found out from our blood work that not only did I ovulate but probably dropped two eggs. Two? Twins? Naw . . . couldn't happen . . .
February is Rodeo time here and since we live down the street from the fair grounds, we have that wonderful reminder blasted at us at all times through the sound of rides and screaming . . . all . . . night. We finally decided it was a good night to go ourselves and walked down there to get us some yummy junk food. I was kinda blue - my new, sad norm - and on the way home I told Karl that the next day would be day 28 of my cycle and that I didn't want to test.
All the years of negative tests just came flooding back at me and I wanted nothing to do with it. It made me absolutely sick to think of all the money wasted and feelings of hurt.
He encouraged me, like he always does, and, with wisdom beyond his years, told me that I didn't have to test yet and that things were going to work out the way they were supposed to.
I decided that I wasn't going to test and would just wait and see what happened. Karl agreed and we continued our walk home.
That next morning I woke up wide awake super early (for a Saturday). It was about 5:30 and I really needed to pee. I got up and went to use the restroom and immediately thought about that test. Should I take it? Should I not? I'll just be wasting more money.
Oh well.
I figured I might as well get it over with and quit hoping that it could eventually be positive.
So I took the test and waited. And not for very long.
POSITIVE. And not only was it positive, it turned positive really fast. So fast!
I was in shock. No, this test must be faulty. Unfortunately that was my last one so I couldn't retest so I had to take it as face value - I was pregnant.
I sat there for a long time. All these emotions hit me so hard and I was totally freaking out.
I could not wait to tell Karl.
3 years or so before I had purchased some Duke socks as my announcement to him one day. Unfortunately he found them when we were organizing things one weekend so it wouldn't be a total surprise but knew he'd be excited anyway.
I went digging for those and finally found them - in the dark by the way. I had also picked up the "Dada" book by Jimmy Fallon a few weeks before, just in case. I grabbed it and the socks and crept into our room where Karl was out. Out cold,
I tried to nudge him which totally freaked him out. I remember him wanting to know what was wrong and if I was ok. I just handed him the book and the socks. In the dark. LOL
He kinda sat there for a minute trying to figure out what I had given him. It was a long while and he finally said, "really?". He was so excited! He told me later that he was so confused as to why I had given him a book in the dark. When he felt the socks it took him a minute but he figured out what they were finally.
We couldn't go back to sleep. We were so stinking excited. We talked and hugged and talked and hugged for the next couple of hours.
All those years of waiting for this moment - it felt so good. Surreal, but good. Our season of waiting had ended. I was still fearful of what could happen in those first few weeks but so thankful for the blessing of finally being pregnant.
The days that followed were exciting and scary. I hope to share more of our first trimester in a later post as this has gone on long enough for the day. What I can tell you now is that each day brought me closer to the light and I was able to get out of the funk of depression and sadness that had held me back for almost 5 years. And it felt so good.
Fast forward 20 weeks: Now, as I sit here watching and laughing at my bouncing belly as the boys kick and jab, I'm thankful for this season of wait because it has brought us here. All the hurt and frustration is now surpassed with joy and hope.
I know these things can change within an instant but for now I will choose joy and be thankful for the journey.
I felt lead to share part our story and hope that it has blessed you in some way. I hope it touches you and encourages you to find the support you need and to embrace hope.
His Will is perfect as is His timing.
Blessings!
Games are supposed to be full of fun and fellowship. They are enjoyable and something that we look forward to, especially with the right company.
Waiting is not something we look forward to. In fact it makes us anxious and can drive us crazy. It is typically not a joyous time.
At least that has been my experience.
I know with the Lord's help that even in the most deplorable times of wait one can find joy, but, being real for a sec - I haven't been there.
Everyone is waiting for something - graduation, spouse, job, children, winning the lottery . . . We all have our own waiting game.
Throughout my life there have been many yearnings that I had to wait for and each season had it's ups and downs.
We are all waiting.
The season I want to share about has been one of the hardest for myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I hope that by sharing it that others will be able to find joy in their waiting and/or find the help that they desperately need and deserve.
Let's go back in time . . .
8 years to be exact.
I was attending College at Howard Payne University in good 'ole Brownwood, TX. Just finished my junior year of Elementary Education classes and finally had the boyfriend that I had waited all my life for (another waiting game - sigh). I knew that he was the one and we loved to talk about our future together and what it would look like. We talked about family and even joked that we would love to have twins - another great adventure for us - and decided that after we got married we would wait at least 5 years before starting to have kids.
5 years would allow us plenty of time to get "used to marriage", get established, and have some fun before worrying about the stress of a family.
August came and he proposed then on to May when we wed. We both began our Masters Programs and were enjoying the married life, learning from each other and trying to figure out how to be real adults together.
Two years after getting married the bug finally bit.
The baby bug.
Being in teaching it sure doesn't help - seeing kids all day, especially ones who aren't provided for at home, knowing you'd do better - I had officially decided that I wanted one for my own. I honestly don't remember Karl's response to my sudden desire for a family, but l do know that we got off of birth control and eagerly awaited that positive test soon after our discussion.
That's how it works, right?
Looking back now, I totally see that the Lord had a different plan for us that was much better than anything we could have ever imagined.
We were in so much debt at the time, barely starting to get a grasp on our student loans. We had 2 young dogs that took up a lot of our time and were still trying to figure out our place in the workforce. We could have done it, but it would have been much harder for us.
The next 5 years that followed brought on many challenges
-finding out that the birth control had rocked my endocrine system to not fluctuate AT ALL
-being told I was TOO FAT for children and needed to drop some serious weight (don't even get me started)
-working so desperately hard to lose wait to only gain it back
-working with a doctor that told me I was a BURDEN to her and that she didn't want to work with me anymore (feeling was mutual)
-finding out that I have PCOS (hence why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off - now I know how my body works I am better able to do so)
-having surgery to see if there was more going on - hello Endometriosis
-DEPRESSION
I didn't realize it at the time, but all the years of frustration were wearing me down. I wasn't the fun, goofy gal I was in college and those first 2 years of marriage. I had slowly morphed into a sad being with no hope. My depression was real even if I didn't want to accept it. So real and dark.
And alone.
Looking back now I had all the support in the world - I just didn't want to reach out and allow myself to be supported like I could have. If you are in a similar season, PLEASE reach out. You are so worth it and there are those around you that will LOVE you through your season. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
I love this quote from Albus Dumbledore: "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." Allow others to be your light. Allow Christ to be your light. You don't deserve the darkness.
In November of 2015, Karl and I decided that fertility treatment was our next option after support from our new, wonderful OB. It was a very difficult decision for us - for the past 3 years we'd been sharing about natural healthcare and the ugliness of the pharmaceutical companies. And we had to eat our words. Big time.
We began with Clomid and an estrogen blocker (because of the PCOS) and 2 weeks later found out we didn't ovulate. Cue burst bubble. I just knew this was the answer and then it didn't work out.
December brought on a different drug - Premara - which in itself is an estrogen blocker. We began with the lowest dose and low and behold - we didn't ovulate . . . again.
January came and we doubled the dose of Premara and . . . WE OVULATED!!!! What?! Are you serious?!?! Oh wait, Karl has to be here . . . Forgot to mention that January was the month that Karl went to Oklahoma to train for his new job (did I forget to mention that Karl lost his amazing job last April and was on the hunt for 8 months????? - another stress to add to the mix). So, amidst jokes of turkey basters and flying me up to see him, we had another month of not being pregnant.
So close and yet so far.
The meds were wearing on me and my emotions. I was more depressed than ever - even during this time of hope. I was exhausted beyond words. A shell of my former self, just going through the motions.
Then the story began changing. His Will was being made known.
One day I had gone to Walmart after school to grab some groceries and ran into a fellow co-worker that I don't see very much - strike that - more like we never see each other. We said hey and went on our way.
The next morning, as I was coming in to the school, we ran into each other yet again. She stopped me and said that she felt the Lord had brought us together and asked if she could pray for me. As she prayed, the tears just poured from me and I began sobbing. I had tried to be so strong this whole time and finally broke.
When she finished, she grabbed me and hugged me and spoke such sweet encouragements to me. Things I knew to be true in my heart but were refusing to believe.
Then she looked at me and said that during the prayer the Lord was revealing to her that we would be pregnant soon and that it would be with twins.
Wait, WHAT?!?!
I was shocked and a little skeptical, if I'm being honest. We've had many others pray for us before and had similar blessings shared. But knowing this woman and her faith I definitely held on to her words of our upcoming pregnancy and tried to keep them close.
February arrived, same dose of Premara and Karl was home. All the ingredients ready to go. Found out from our blood work that not only did I ovulate but probably dropped two eggs. Two? Twins? Naw . . . couldn't happen . . .
February is Rodeo time here and since we live down the street from the fair grounds, we have that wonderful reminder blasted at us at all times through the sound of rides and screaming . . . all . . . night. We finally decided it was a good night to go ourselves and walked down there to get us some yummy junk food. I was kinda blue - my new, sad norm - and on the way home I told Karl that the next day would be day 28 of my cycle and that I didn't want to test.
All the years of negative tests just came flooding back at me and I wanted nothing to do with it. It made me absolutely sick to think of all the money wasted and feelings of hurt.
He encouraged me, like he always does, and, with wisdom beyond his years, told me that I didn't have to test yet and that things were going to work out the way they were supposed to.
I decided that I wasn't going to test and would just wait and see what happened. Karl agreed and we continued our walk home.
That next morning I woke up wide awake super early (for a Saturday). It was about 5:30 and I really needed to pee. I got up and went to use the restroom and immediately thought about that test. Should I take it? Should I not? I'll just be wasting more money.
Oh well.
I figured I might as well get it over with and quit hoping that it could eventually be positive.
So I took the test and waited. And not for very long.
POSITIVE. And not only was it positive, it turned positive really fast. So fast!
I was in shock. No, this test must be faulty. Unfortunately that was my last one so I couldn't retest so I had to take it as face value - I was pregnant.
I sat there for a long time. All these emotions hit me so hard and I was totally freaking out.
I could not wait to tell Karl.
3 years or so before I had purchased some Duke socks as my announcement to him one day. Unfortunately he found them when we were organizing things one weekend so it wouldn't be a total surprise but knew he'd be excited anyway.
I went digging for those and finally found them - in the dark by the way. I had also picked up the "Dada" book by Jimmy Fallon a few weeks before, just in case. I grabbed it and the socks and crept into our room where Karl was out. Out cold,
I tried to nudge him which totally freaked him out. I remember him wanting to know what was wrong and if I was ok. I just handed him the book and the socks. In the dark. LOL
He kinda sat there for a minute trying to figure out what I had given him. It was a long while and he finally said, "really?". He was so excited! He told me later that he was so confused as to why I had given him a book in the dark. When he felt the socks it took him a minute but he figured out what they were finally.
We couldn't go back to sleep. We were so stinking excited. We talked and hugged and talked and hugged for the next couple of hours.
All those years of waiting for this moment - it felt so good. Surreal, but good. Our season of waiting had ended. I was still fearful of what could happen in those first few weeks but so thankful for the blessing of finally being pregnant.
The days that followed were exciting and scary. I hope to share more of our first trimester in a later post as this has gone on long enough for the day. What I can tell you now is that each day brought me closer to the light and I was able to get out of the funk of depression and sadness that had held me back for almost 5 years. And it felt so good.
Fast forward 20 weeks: Now, as I sit here watching and laughing at my bouncing belly as the boys kick and jab, I'm thankful for this season of wait because it has brought us here. All the hurt and frustration is now surpassed with joy and hope.
I know these things can change within an instant but for now I will choose joy and be thankful for the journey.
I felt lead to share part our story and hope that it has blessed you in some way. I hope it touches you and encourages you to find the support you need and to embrace hope.
His Will is perfect as is His timing.
Blessings!
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